Seeing how Fangoria gave a positive review of this film, I decided to rent it, thinking that it had to be at least remotely good. I was thus confident with myself when two friends came over that night, and I brandished the jewel case with a faint grin, showing them the round sticker branded with the coveted 16+. We were all excited by then, titillated if you will by the promise of strong gore. But that feeling soon let go. The menu appeared and some crazily unnerving dance beat came blasting out my speakers. Almost instinctively, we got up and starting dancing like crazy. We couldn't help it. We were like dislocated automatons, mocking with our frenzied dance moves an opening beat that seemed suspiciously out of place. It was all a laugh riot... but then the laughter stopped. I had settled down and make the mistake of pressing "Play".
When I first saw the opening shot of Once Upon a Time in the West, I thought to myself: "Here is a rare film that you know will be awesome right from the first instant". Well, Five Across the Eyes gave me exactly the opposite impression. The film is dreadfully shot, atrociously framed, monstrously edited, the acting is abominable and the soundtrack is completely out of synch with the atmosphere. Less than twenty seconds into the film, one of my friends turns to me in anger and shouts: "Don't tell me we can't do better than this shit" as if willing to grab my camera, go out into the night and shoot something, anything that could be proof of our technical superiority to the makers of this film. I had to concur, then I asked for a vote: "Do we keep on watching this shit, or..." We decided not to, considering that no amount of gore could possibly salvage this half-brained abomination. Fortunately, I had an ace up my sleeve that could quench our thirst for a decent horror film. I trotted to my library, stating that I knew a good, little known but solid effort in the same vein. I picked up Dead End, my key to salvaging our night. I put it in and we had a blast. As for Five Across the Eyes, I will forever have a hard time convincing myself that it is a film worth reviewing, or, to put it another way, worth sitting through. I mean, if you don't know how to frame a shot and don't know how to edit. If you find it appropriate to open an horror film with rocking dance music, you're not likely to "get it" halfway through. You either get it or you don't. Personnally, I was immensely relieved to see that the people behind Dead End could at least muster a well-composed two-shot. A two-shot for Chrissake! And that latter film didn't even bear Fangoria's seal of approval on the back cover! What a strange world we live in...
Ozu must be turning in his grave...
I shall not give Five Across the Eyes a star rating because there might, possibly, have been something in there that could've elevated this technical mess above the pit. And I do also find it unfair to rate a film of which I have seen less than a minute, a very convincing minute, but a simple minute nonetheless. I will simply suggest that you trust imdb ratings for once, and accept the generous 3.3 rating the film gets there thanks to the gorehounds' legendary leniency. Then I will invite you to read my review of the vastly superior Dead End.
