The Final Destination (2009)

Review #0005

As in the three previous installments of this series, a bunch of good-looking, inexplicably rich but vacuous kids cheat death through premonition only to die in various freak accidents as the Grim Reaper reclaims their souls. Following a tension-filled, exhilirating opening sequence featuring a plethora of successful 3D effects, the film goes on a downhill slope toward boredom. Since all the characters are flat and emotionless, since all the scenes involve either lame conversations, premonitions, or other such plot devices, the entire spectatorial experience of this film can be summed up as a tedious wait between kills. And although some if those kills are great (particularly the nitrogen-bottle impalement of the mechanic which makes exemplary use of the medium), all of this is akin to masturbation: for a couple of minutes, the expectation of pleasure is titillating, but then you blow your load and everything falls flat. What's worse is that this entry is completely devoid of genuine tension as the "amazing causality" staple is often sacrificed in favor of "surprise kills" that are often disappointing, even lacking the accidental quality inherent to Death's design. And that nothwithstanding the "it was all a vision" kills, which although graphic fail to forward the narrative, and most of all, to quench our thirst for the protagonists' blood. In the end, I felt cheated, just as death, and would've very much liked to reclaim my 15$.

2/5

Dr. Jeckyll and Mr. Hyde (1920)

Review #0004

In this early adaptation of the eponymous novel, John Barrymore delivers a great, if totally theatrical performance (as was common at the time, before sound and the advent of "film" acting) as both the righteous Jeckyll and the monstrous, depraved Hyde. Of course, as in all filmed theater, makeup and costumes do a great deal to characterize the protagonists, and so Hyde's persona owes a lot to his hump and inflated cranium, both of which function quite effectively as signifiers of monstrosity. Despite moralistic goals and a mostly Christian conception of good and evil (epitomized in the discrepancy between Jeckyll and Hyde's love interests, the virginal Millicent Carew and Miss Gina, the frivolous cabaret dancer), the "show" is enjoyable. We're treated to intriguing close-ups of paramecia, a burlesque show, and the freakish transformation of man into monster. And although most of the mystery elements have been excised from Stevenson's novel, the violence remains, including somewhat shocking bits as the beating of a child, beating of two women, and the vicious clubbing of an aristocrat.
An effort worth praise, however primitive it looks compared to, say... "Nosferatu" (1922).

3/5 : for historical importance.

Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

Review #0003

If the title appeals to you in any way, you're sure to love this typically excessive Japanese film. In the near future, where the Tokyo police is privatized and wrist-cutting has become fashionable, officer Ruka (Eihi Shiina, of "Audition" fame, sporting a leather skirt, fishnet stockings and leather boots) must investigate the appearance of "engineers", evolved criminals with the ability to spawn elaborate weapons in replacement of severed limbs. Part sci-fi, part police thriller, this film functions as a blunt social critique, but mostly as a gore-drenched freak show. Horrific images of bodily mutations abound including chainsaw-arms, projectile hands, and the obligatory phallic machine-gun, vagina dentatae so dear to Japanese imagination, all of which are rendered in glorious latex. The violence is ruthless, the imagery bizarre and the soundtrack agressive inbetween scenes of victim exposition and flashbacks explaining Ruka's past. It all culminates in an orgy of death and destruction once the police goes renegade and start to systematically massacre protesters (including Ruka's long-time bartender friend). All in all, the mystery to be solved serve only to justify limbs flying, the drama is subservient to the violent outbursts it provokes, and the exposition of Ruka seems only to be a set-up for the sequel (announced post-credit, it could as well be Nishimura's following film, the disappointing "Vampire Girl vs Frankenstein Girl"). If you can appreciate that, "Tokyo Gore Police" might just be a hot ticket for you.

3/5 : for giving me what I came looking for, but without a great replay value.

The Hills Have Eyes (1977)

Review #0002

In this minor classic, remade by Alexandre Aja in 2006, Craven revisits the themes earlier explored in The Last House on the Left, but on a slightly bigger scale, with slightly better settings, and a pinch of sci-fi thrown in the mix. The result is yet another gritty, effective thriller that achieves its modest goals despite lame acting, a skeletal plotline and minimal production values. When a vacationing family is stranded in the desert, they must fight for survival against a pack of radioactive mutants. As in House, this is the story of an all-American family confronted with ruthless, almost primitive violence, and of the role reversal that ensues. The returning leitmotif (one that will follow Craven for the remainder of his career) is that of vindictive violence, the question of its legitimacy and, of course, its exploitation as spectacle. The very last frame of the film is enlightening in that regard as it shows the righteous son-in-law as a beastly, blood-thirsty agressor just before the final fade to black that completes the circle of violence. As in all good, visceral horror, the audience is thus put in the uneasy position of the victim/agressor, forced to appraise his own morality. Technically, the film succeeds largely thanks to savvy editing (done by Craven himself) that helps make good use of the vast outdoor settings as a labyrinthine deathtrap, as well as making the outbursts of violence that more gripping. The uneven, mostly unconvincing cast is highlighted by Michael Berryman in his star-making role as Pluto, the somewhat symphatetic mutant whose large forehead and excentric traits are featured on most cover art for the film.

3/5 : for its relevance as a cult film.

Lifeforce (1988)

Review # 0001

From what I've seen in this film, there are better chances to
find a naked girl drifting through space than in my bed...

This jumbled, tedious story of energy-draining vampires from outer-space is only slightly redeemed by its apparently bountiful assets including: a) the fully naked body of luscious Mathilda May (as one astronaut quips: "I've been in space for six months, and it looks perfect"), b) stunning special effects by Oscar-winner John Dykstra, c) a Dan O'Bannon screenplay, d) a score delivered by the London Symphonic Orchestra, and e) a large-scale grand finale set in dilapidated downtown London. The stunning inefficiency of the film just goes to show that bigger is not necessarily better, especially if one prompts comparaison with Hooper's earlier, (way) cheaper classic, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. For unpretentious, retro "menace from space" cheese, I suggest you watch The Incredicle Melting Man instead. Yes, Lifeforce is that bad.

1,5/5: for looking so good on paper, and so bad onscreen.

The Ghoul Report - An Introduction

Greetings, fellow horror enthusiasts,

Here is a little project I've had in mind for quite a few years. You see, I've always wanted to review horror films and make a HUGE compendium of those reviews, like a book, a book flaunting "Over 2,000 reviews!" on the cover. This would serve two distinct functions in my life: a) to legitimize the time I spend watching old tapes of axe-wielding monsters and castles shrouded in fog, and b) to expand my diminutive memory (as a sort of external hard drive), to allow my thoughts and ideas to take a distinct, palpable shape that time won't be able to erode.

Since a blog is very much like a "book in progess", I've decided to try this avenue. To catalogue my impressions of EVERY, SINGLE HORROR FILM I SEE, to make ny experiences and knowledge useful to others. I don't claim to possess "the truth", but I still am an enlightened reviewer. I will try to go beyond the acting/script appraisals that constitute the bulk of mainstream texts, and appeal to discriminatory audiences everywhere. I certainly hope my insights are helpful in some regard.

I've devised a very simple system to classify my reviews. I will flag them according to three factors: director, country of origin (two or more distinct countries will be used in the case of co-productions) and rating (from 0 to 5 stars. a number pertaining to my personal/analytical appreciation of the film). This should make it easy for you to navigate through and find exactly the right film to watch tonight! I would simply like to mention that extreme ratings (0 and 5) will be used very rarely. To get a 5, you'd need a true classic, a groundbreaking, technically wondrous piece that has withstood the test of time, a film that spawned icons such as F.W. Murnau's "Nosferatu" or James Whale's "Bride of Frankenstein". To get a 0, you'd need a totally inept, or shockinlgy reactionary piece of garbage. I don't even have an exemple for such a bomb. Even "Troll 2" and "Plan Nine from Outer Space" wouldn't fall in this category.

I will try to review as many films as possible. 2 or 3 per week sounds good. 2 or 3 per week will constitute my objective. I will try to review the whole gamut of horror films (from the US to Japan, starting from the turn of the century to the present day), focusing on titles that are actually playing in theaters. So, without further ado, let us begin!